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From the Sermon


Somebody



Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.

Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.


Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.

Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.


Somebody said being a mother is boring.

Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.


Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"...

Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.


Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.

Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.


Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.

Somebody doesn't have five children.


Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.

Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.


Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery;

Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.


Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.

Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.



Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...

Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.


Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home

Somebody never had grandchildren.


Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.

Somebody isn't a mother



A Mother of a Small Boy Says

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh' , it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without permission


Sara's Story
Sara, a little girl, is sitting and watching her mother wash the dishes at the kitchen sink.  At once she notices that her mother has several wisps of white hair sticking out in contrast to the rest of her brunette hair.  Sara looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother answers, 'Well Sara, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

Sara thinks about this revelation for a while and then inquires, Mummy, why is it then that all of grandma's hairs are white?'


What I think of my Mother . . .



4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either!

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom!






In the Bath

Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. 

She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."

Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."






Quiet time challenge:


Where is a quiet place that you could meet with the Lord?


When would be a good time for you to spend talking to God and reading his word?


7 minutes per day, 7 days a week.

 

30 seconds preparing your heart - example: “Thank you Lord for a good night sleep and the opportunities of this new day.  Cleanse my heart so you can speak to me through your word.  Open my heart, fill my heart.  Make my mind alert and my soul active, and my heart responsive.  Surround me with your presence during this time.”


4 minutes to read the Bible. Your greatest need is to hear some word from God.  Allow the word to strike fire in your heart.  Meet the Author.  Start with Mark or John.  Don’t race, but don’t stop to study something.  Read for the pure joy of reading and allowing God to speak to you.


2 1/2 minutes to speak to God in prayer.  

A - Adoration - Worship the Lord, Tell him you love him.  

Reflect on his power, majesty, greatness

C - Confession - it means to agree with God.  When God 

points out sin in your life, confess it.

T - Thanksgiving - Think of specific things to thank him for.

S - Supplication - Ask for others and yourself. 






MEMORANDUM
TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph. 
          Woodcrafters shop. 
          Nazareth.
FROM: Jordan Management Consultants. 
             Jerusalem.
SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test.
DATE: May 22/30 
 


Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you 
picked for management positions in your new organization. 
All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have 
not only run the results through our computer but also have 
arranged personal interviews for each of them with our 
psychologist and vocational consultant. 
 

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are 
lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for 
the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have 
the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your 
search for persons of experience in managerial ability and 
proven capability. 
 


Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of 
temper. 
Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. 

The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place 
personal interest above company loyalty. 

Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine 
morale.
We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has 
been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business 
Bureau. 

James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely 
have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score 
on the manic depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is 
a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has 
a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is 
highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend 
Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. 
All 
other profiles are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your new venture.



For those who tire of excuses why people don't go to church these are the reasons why I never wash. 
I was forced to wash as a child. 
 People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're cleaner than others.
 There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right.
 I used to wash, but it got boring. 
 I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 
 None of my friends wash. 
 I'll start washing when I'm older.
 I really don't have the time. 
The bathroom isn't warm enough. 
People who make soap are only after your money.



Report from the Pastor Search Committee:


We do not have a happy report to give.   We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions.   
We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.



ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic 
building  projects.


JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and 
has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
 Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.


SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
 wife's occupation. 


JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished.  With some
 seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against 
wealthy people.
 

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one.  May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon. 


PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact,  unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night. 

TIMOTHY: Too young.
 

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
 Sunday in view of a call.







"All I Really Need To Know About Life, 
I Learned From Noah's Ark"


1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Don't forget we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead-- it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
4. Stay Fit--when you're 600 years old someone might ask you to do 
    something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.
6. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
7. Two heads are better than one.
8. Build your future on high ground.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on the same ark 
    as the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, float awhile.
11. Remember ametyres built the ark: professionals built the Ttitanic.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a bigger threat than the 
      storm outside.
13. No matter what the storm, when God is with you, there's a rainbow waiting.





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